Category Archives: Writing Rhymes

Ode on the Blessed Printer! #writersrhymes


Ode on the blessed printer
(or “I wish I could make all submissions by email”)

I’ve just finished my story
It’s ready to submit
I’ve tweaked the dodgy plot line
Proof checked and re-checked it

So I fire up my printer
Plug in the USB
But my laptop does not recognise
The software that it sees

I wiggle all the cables
Until it finally connects
Then wait for several seconds
For the command to take effect

The printer starts to rumble
But the text’s a right schemozzle
Onscreen a warning light appears
I need to check my nozzles

I press the “OK” button
And watch the screen with dread
The problem clearly isn’t fixed:
Now I have to clean my heads

Then another warning light
A cartridge out of ink
And though I’m only printing black
I somehow still need pink

Next I fix the paper jam
Has the printer given up the ghost?
No, the pages finally tumble out –
But by now I’ve missed the post!

The Modern Writer’s New Year’s Eve


So here you are again –
Another cycle is complete
Just time to log on and look back
Before the “Happy New Year!” tweets

Your blog is looking healthy
Lots of followers and views
And you’ve followed lots of others
To keep up with all their news

You’ve been busy on your Facebook page
Uploading posts and gaining “likes”
You keep active in your interest groups
Hearing other’s joys and gripes

You’ve done your Twitter research
Checked the graphs on “Analytics”
Charted profile visits, top mentions
Who knew? An interest in statistics!

You check your KDP reports
For each and every sale,
Your current review rating,
And your ranking, without fail

You’re proud of all your efforts
And the benefits they’ll bring
It’s just with all these tasks to do,
You’ve had no time to write a thing!


Thanks for reading & following me this year – wishing you all the very best for a successful, inspirational, and fun-filled 2017! x

Christmas Gifts for Writers


So it’s Christmas time again
Black Friday deals are rife
And you’re wondering what to buy
For the writer in your life

In the past you’ve tried all sorts
‘How-to’ books, diaries, pens,
Fancy paper, post-it notes
A writer’s mug (again!)

But the best gift is often simple
You might not even have to buy it
Arrange to give them space and time
To write in peace and quiet

Nag them when they’re lazy
Cheer them up when they’re dejected
Give them wine and cuddles
When their stories get rejected

And when their book is published
Spread the word of their debut,
Buy a copy for yourself
Leave an honest, fair review

Tell all your friends who care to hear
And then tell all the rest
And I guarantee your writer
Will think you are the best!



PS: Socks are also good! :0) xx

The Brown Envelope of Doom



The postman’s come too early
Before I’m quite prepared
I hear the clunk
My heart has sunk
Can’t look – I’m just too scared

There was me starting to think
This story had a chance
Success, good news
And rave reviews
And a six figure advance!

The envelope’s now battered
It lies there on the mat
The fold I made
Clearly displayed –
The boomerang is back

I sigh and read the letter
It’s short and oh so clear:
Not right for us
Don’t make a fuss
Good luck in your ‘career’

Update submission tracker
Compose a witty tweet
I’ll count to ten
And start again
And I won’t admit defeat!





Ode on an Impending Deadline


I have to write a story
The deadline’s put me on the spot
But I haven’t got a title
And I haven’t got a plot

My characters are shadows
Their motivations weak
The dialogue is stilted –
That’s not how people speak!

The word-count’s looking healthy
But all I’ve done is set the scene
It’s backstory and padding –
I’m the exposition queen!

The tale needs some drama
We need to feel the MC’s yearning
So the empathetic reader
Will keep those pages turning

It also needs some pace
Scene changes! Witty repartee!
‘Cos frankly at the moment
It’s boring even me

My writing tutor’s voice
In my head shouts “Show don’t tell”
Perhaps I’ll draw a picture
It would probably work as well

I’d wait for inspiration
But it never comes on time
So perhaps I’ll ditch the story
And just write a little rhyme!